We Moved in Together
It was a spring Friday evening in Vancouver, BC — we were sitting in a booth inside the Cactus Club Cafe overlooking Coal Harbor — the sun was setting, the hibiscus cocktails were flowing, and I had just signed my first six-figure contract. TL;DR: Picturesque.
B and I were discussing upcoming adventures and plans for the rest of the year, and he said, “Speaking of adventures, what do you think about moving in with me?” Time stopped. I felt my ears radiating heat, my stomach in my throat, and my heart scratching like a record. Did he just ask me to move in with him? I was elated, nervous, nauseous, giddy, surprised, and every other emotion you can imagine all at once. Obviously, I said yes. Well, I think I said,
”Realllly?” Followed by “Are you sure?!” And then, “Yes!”
Luckily it was early May, and my lease ended July 31, so there was time to figure out the logistics without issue. I had already been spending a night or two at his place every week (and feeling maximum guilt for spending nights away from Beau. OH MY GOD. Does he remember I have Beau? And that we’re a package deal? And he CANNOT go outside? What if he got out? As a self-diagnosed anxious-over thinker (with a capital A) my mind was RACING.
We talked through the details, read WAY too many articles about living with a partner, and planned the transition as if it were a royal engagement. Note: engagement as in event, not Harry and Meghan. I ordered a chic acrylic calendar so we can keep track of commitments (in addition to a shared calendar online, and a planner for myself — Type A much?), and began boxing up my very first apartment. More on that emotional rollercoaster in an upcoming blog.
I ended up worming my way out of my lease a little bit early and moved in toward the end of June. Trust me, you would too if you were moving from the deep city to the beach, and you know, in with the person you love. I moved from a far-too-expensive apartment building (where my stuff was being stolen or broken into left and right) to a newly remodeled condo with windows galore and a yard! #upgrade
With about a month and a half under our belt, we have some advice for those thinking about making the jump. And by we, I mean me, but I’ll get the BT stamp of approval before publishing. Also, we don’t know it all — but we’re figuring it out. This is only part one.
10 Things to Consider When Moving in With the Person You Love:
Don’t rush it
I repeat: DO NOT RUSH IT. This decision is big. Huge. Monumental. You’re combining more than just your physical stuff, you’re bringing all of the emotional baggage you’ve kept tucked away in a coat closet, and honey, it WILL be on display at some point. If you’re not ready to dust all that off and share the other facets of you quite yet, sign another six months on your lease, and get your Dirt Devil PREPPED.
Communicate often (and share your needs)
Fortunately, B and I are pretty solid in our communication. When riled up, we both usually need some alone time to reflect and process before coming back to the table and working through any conflict. For me personally, I’m still working on being able to ask for help and share my needs at the moment. Reminder: You can’t get mad at your partner if you don’t speak up — we’re not all fortune tellers.
Align on finances before you sign on the dotted line
Again, there’s more than what meets the eye here. It’s not just splitting the rent or mortgage (and utilities), it’s combining two households. Who’s going to be in charge of what bills? Is everything split down the middle? What about your subscriptions? And what I feel is even more important: What kind of lifestyle are you looking to live? Money (really money management) can be the root of more than one issue in a relationship. Get on the same page with bills, commitments, and spending habits.
Respect each other’s style and find a happy medium
This was a big one for us. I love light, bright, and airy spaces — lots of washed-out white, oak, and light fabrics; whereas B is drawn to more rich, vibrant colors, dark woods, and heavy fabric. He describes my style as Joanna Gaines and his as more Kris Jenner. Me moving into a nearly furnished home was a tad difficult — but we were able to sort through each of our pieces, find ways to marry those contrasting styles, and pick out art together that makes us both happy.
Understand that there will be tension and conflict
As my therapist pointed out, B and I don’t fight, but we do have conflict. (And we do it well) Note: There is a difference. There’s no screaming match, name-calling, or scoffing at the other person during vulnerable moments. Sure, on occasion there may be a passive-aggressive comment or action, but nobody’s perfect. Being on top of each other can and will take its toll eventually. Shit happens. Being prepared to handle conflict, while keeping your composure and respect for one another is key.
Build in together time, alone time, and friend time
I don’t want to say you’ll get tired of your partner, but it is easier to settle into a routine when you’re with each other day in and day out. Schedule time to adventure with one another, or plan a date night, or game night — something to break up the autopilot. And do the same for yourself and your friends, too! For me, self care can look like a chunk of time completely alone, or spending quality 1:1 time with good friends. I need that time to recharge.
Consider a chore chart, or at least talk about cleanliness through
There’s always the possibility of hiring a housekeeper, but it’s more likely that you two will share the responsibility of keeping your home. When I moved in, we discussed how we would maximize our storage, organize the pantry and cupboards most efficiently, and most importantly, who would clean what. As B pointed out, I’m a little more particular, whereas he’s more go-with-the-flow. I tried my best to take that as a compliment… But it was settled, We’ll both maintain common areas, but I’ll manage the bathroom cleaning, and he’ll manage the kitchen. I really hate dishes.
Practice empathy and compassion
People have good days and people have bad days. I have days where I need to be a puddle of blah, eat my feelings, and watch half of a season of Grey’s Anatomy on the couch. Fortunately, B understands this and gives me the space to feel safe and comfortable to do so without judgment. Be empathetic to your partner, especially on their less-than-stellar days, and hopefully, they’ll do the same for you.
Let the little things go — they really don’t matter
Forgetting to take the trash out, pick up the socks they left out (again), or a dish left in the sink. At the end of the day, none of this matters. Sure, it may be the cherry on top of your day — the moment that makes you want to snap, but are you going to let something that takes less than a minute affect your day to that degree? It’s not worth the rise in blood pressure to you, or the conflict with your partner. Granted, if it’s something you feel strongly about, I encourage you to have a constructive conversation but also afford them some slack as they work on it.
Continue planning for the future (and embrace the journey)
I, being a planner, am always looking at the next step forward. I don’t think it’s a bad thing to look forward and strive for growth and progress. BUT, I also think it’s just as important to soak up the joy in the present. Revel in the gooey feelings of waking up next to your person, the deep belly laughter, and the spontaneous dance parties. Cherish and catalog these memories, and embrace the path you’re on together.
Me: “Is there anything you want to add?”
B: “At this time, no. Where’s fur ball?” 🐱
The rest is still unwritten.