True Life: I’m in Hiding
Do you remember New Year’s Eve? We were all bright-eyed, motivated, and ready to take on a new year (and do/be way better than we did/were last year?) I, too, had hope for 2019 — things seemed to really be clicking, and it was going. to. be. my. year. I could feel it. Spoiler alert: it’s not. At least so far...
The last year of my twenties has been (yet another) year of sitting (and becoming very friendly) with life lessons. Particularly: patience, boundaries, self-confidence, communication, and self-care.
While I’ve learned that nobody my age has anything truly mastered, except the art of faking it, I still find myself discouraged that I haven’t unlocked some hidden magic power to beat the boss in my head as if it were Bowser or some other cartoon creep.
Truth is: I’ve been feeling a little under the weather, and as such, living the life of a hermit like I’m on an episode of True Life: I Became a Mountain Person.
I’ve learned, after the flu and two viral infections within the past 30 days, that my immune system is underperforming. It didn’t take long in a self-therapy session (because I don’t believe in spreading the plague to others) to realize that my immune system is underperforming because I’m over-performing. Or at least trying to.
Since the clock struck twelve, I have:
Survived a round of layoffs at work, which led to a myriad of power vacuums, a change in management, and a complete 180 in not only my tasks but the core of my role.
Faced, head-on, one of the biggest challenges of living states away from family: not being able to be there when something goes awry, and feeling guilty because of it.
Been in a car accident (not my fault, and thankfully, minimal damage) had my windshield cracked from a rock, and popped a tire in one of Seattle’s infamous potholes.
Had my bike and two packages stolen from a secured storage facility in my building.
Pushed pause on a friendship.
Taken on multiple freelance projects (that are fun and challenging) but also very time-consuming.
Reevaluated my career trajectory (at least 938 times).
Made a conscious effort to be more in the world and outgoing.
Skipped a couple of therapy sessions.
…and probably so much more that I’m blocking out. While not all bad, per se, the bullets above represent hundreds of hours that I’ve been stealing from myself, and that have left me feeling sick, exhausted, and emotionally overdrawn.
I don’t want to give the impression that life is all bad because it’s definitely not. Still, I find myself instinctually retreating inward, as if my body were taking over to meet its core needs, all the while my brain fights it at every turn. Right now, there’s no clear winner, but there needs to be. And much like you need to put your own oxygen mask on before assisting others, I need to do the same for my physical and mental health. *And by I, I mean we* need to all be a little selfish and take the time to sort out our wants, and especially our needs before taking on that role for others.
I’m finally listening to my body (and therapist) and throwing the ridiculous picturesque version of self-care out the window to practice true self care. What I need, at this moment, to benefit myself. And leaving it at that.
I look forward to wrapping up a few projects this week and taking back some time — especially since the sun is out later and I’m taking 10 days off at the end of the month to recharge completely (and wait for Mercury retrograde to end.) So, for a little while longer, I’ll be in hiding — binge-watching a new show, finally breaking out my new yoga gear, settling into life without Diet Coke (again), and reinforcing boundaries with myself and others. Oh, and probably writing a few blogs, too. ;)